Holiday Happenings: The Ghosts of Sex PAST.....

Yes people, They exist.
Whether you "count" them or not, they are out there, waiting, specifically for you!!! The reason is because they may not have rocked YOUR world but YOU ROCKED theirs! Case in point, ONE OF MY GIRLS- not this chick, promise.... was home for the holidays and in Chicago, our tradition is to kick it at an "old school" (defn: all of the people we went to college with or in our age group) party on Wednesday, chill with the FAM on Turkey Day Thursday, and kick it again the rest of the weekend. The interesting part is that the event that is the most fun is on Wednesday and that is normally when the "Ghosts" start looking for you! You will be at the party, looking FAB, hanging out with your GIRLZ and BAM!! There he is!

He is the one you forgot about.

Potential (not likely or you would remember his ass) but HE REMEMBERS YOU! It is an unfamiliar acquaintance at first, you let him buy you a cocktail, and then as he opens his mouth, you realize, in an INSTANT, why you did not stay with this BOZO in the first place! He starts his soliloquy (why things didn't work out but he still thinks about you everyday- yeah, yeah, GAG, Vomit coming shortly) and you are thinking, this was one occasion, maybe two :) where YOU needed to be fulfilled (hopefully) sexually and you did not feel that you needed to call him after that.
In your mind, no harm, no foul. In his mind- totally different. Probably because he realized that he lost "a catch." Everyone he has been dealing with since you has been "Chicken Heads"- AKA... Skank money grubbing hoes. He knows- with you, HE MISSED OUT. Ladies AND even Gentleman, if this is you- UNLESS THE SEX WAS REALLY, REALLY, GOOD(once again, if it was your would remember them...) WALK AWAY!
If you are not ready for an emotional roller coaster, WALK AWAY...
It is not worth it....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FAM!
MAKE 2009, BETTER THAN 2008!!!!
Love, The "Sexy" Chick!!

SHOULD HE PUT A RING ON IT?.. HELLS YES

Big leaves Carrie at the altar - Sex and The City Movie
(Per the above clip, it has always been a fantasy of mine to pelt an ex over the head with a bouquet of flowers (or a brick) while looking ultra fabulous at the same time.)

I'm not going to use this post as another excuse to post Beyonce's "Single Ladies", eventhough I think I have mastered almost every dance move. I hope I'm not in a club after two drinks.. and that song comes on. That'll be a post for "How to Embarrass Yourself.. thinking you are Beyonce". Whether you think B has talent or not (which is still being debated), she always seems to find a "girl" anthem that catches fire to the masses (over 400k sold in the first week.. look it up). After I had a chance to actually listen to the words, most of them ring true.
I can count atleast two exes that have professed their undying love for me (recently) after the relationship was over.."guuurl.. you were the one that got away". Now, I don't take their pleas seriously. I figure if you didn't know that while you were with me, than it wasn't meant to be (and you're a SCRUB anyway for not bowing in the presence of royalty). I have a male friend who pretty much confirmed my worst fears. Let's say.. you're in the relationship. Everything is honky dory! He's diggin you, and you are diggin him. You talk about the future, jobs, kids, houses, the family pet. Ladies, at a certain age, you want to be on the path to marriage and committment. Does it have to be right around the corner?.. no, but it needs to be atleast in the neighborhood. Then.. poof .. pow.. you start to notice distance and withdrawal sneeking in. He doesn't always return your call in a timely manner or he starts hanging out with his boys alot more than he used to. Now do most women have to be joined at the hip to our significant others.. absolutely not, but you do like to have activities other than the regular sleepovers and an occasional trip to the movies or dinner, YES! Isn't that the point of getting in the relationship in the first place? But I digress.. so you get to the point where you feel your kindness is being taken for granted.. not too much time after (if not resolved) the relationship ends. I truly understand that not every attempt to "make it last forever" is not supposed to succeed.. but WHY.. 3 months later (or 3 minutes later).. do we get the same song and dance... "You know I always loved you girl.. I know I messed up.. Don't you love me anymore?.. Give me one more chance". I have come to the conclusion that men want what they can't have.. and if you give them what they ask for.. they still find a way to become paralyzed with "committment phobia" and run for the hills... or.. maybe I'm dating the wrong men... EUREKA!

CHURCH!!!

GOBBLE GOBBLE..

Happy Thanksgiving to all our family and friends. Yes, that is my Thanksgiving dinner creation.... and yes, your girl killed that turkey(figuratively of course). Since my home was neutral territory for my now divorced parents, I'd say the day went off without a hitch. Turkey, red velvet/key lime cake (don't hate), and football... priceless! I'm going to sleep now. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

MY FAVORITE THINGS..

I thought I'd never see the day. This comes in a close 2nd to the election of Barack Obama as 44th President. Just a few short months ago, I would cringe at the gas pump paying $4.00/gallon. Remember the GAS SHORTAGE of '08. Gas is now at $1.64/gallon. I feel like I should buy a bunch of canisters, hoard as much as I can and store them in a deep freezer. I'm pretty sure I would violate several fire codes.


HP Pavillion Notebook

If sonograms were around in the mid '70's, I'm pretty sure the doctor would have seen a rectangular object attached to a zygote that 9 months later would become all that is good and perfect.. otherwise known as "me". The worst thing they could've done was invented wireless. This contraption never leaves my side.



Blackberry Curve

Not that the Pavillion is enough, but I now am addicted to this mini computer that plays ringtones. Not that I need to view my junk email every 10 minutes or send random texts about how NeNe from the Real Housewives of Atlanta almost tore that wig off Kim's head. I can now update my Facebook and Twitter accounts from my mobile, so everyone can know what I'm doing every second of every day. FUN TIMES!!

Foreplay begins with taking out the garbage!

Ladies,
I am not sure that men get it! We, as the female species, are TOTALLY into an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION prior to having a SEXUAL CONNECTION. If your man pisses you off, of course, you are not going to be in the mood. HOWEVER, we must realize that on average, statistics show that men think about sex 6-10 times a day and hopefully, they are thinking about us!!!! Men- the key to a fulfilling sexual relationship is thinking about us in other ways than the in bedroom. If you are not doing so already, start washing the dishes when you get home (yes, we are tired and we have been dealing with the children since we got home from work.) How about folding the clothes that are in the laundry room that have been sitting there all week. How about taking the children off of my hands for a couple of hours on Saturday so that I can get my nails done! Please watch this segment from " My BFF- Oprah" If it does not ring home to you, I will bet that it does to someone you know!!!!
Please note: I am not a proponent of withholding sex from your man because you are pissed off. Just take the time to help them understand your needs. I am a strong believer of if you wont, I PROMISE YOU, someone else will..... or you may find someone else :)
Continuing to keep it real......

Watch the Oprah click here

4th SUNDAY

If the Lord Jesus Christ was handing out grades for church attendance, I'd be going to His office hours begging for extra credit or make up work. Whether it is my stubbornness or laziness (I haven't figured out which one), but I still find it a challenge to get out of bed early Sunday morning to make it to early service. Not only does it make the Lord jump with glee, my mom gives me high fives when I surprise her by just showing up. So I had a little talk with Jesus, and we both decided I needed an incentive (hey, whatever works). Starting humming your favorite old negro spiritual.. cause your girl is now a proud member of the Cascade Door Keepers or CDK to those on the streets.. or just plain old usher board for everyone born before 1955. To serve does give you a sense of purpose other than just sitting in the pew. Not to knock my regular church goers, but knowing that others are depending on you to be there to assist makes it harder to punk out when you were out late the night before. Since I was the newbie, my assignment was pretty easy. I was told by an elder, during offering pass the basket to the next pew. I guess you don't get a door post until you got a few Sundays under your belt. I just had to smile and say Good Morning. It definitely put me in a better mood. Even though I don't always want to admit it, mama was right. Just a few hours surrounded by the holy spirit makes the day a little brighter. Is this a sign that I'm getting old? Maybe.. but I'm okay with that. Mothers' pearls now have more meaning.

LICKING THE PLATE..

Yesterday, I experienced the highest level of the "itis" known to man. My mother and I had a lunch date at This Is It BBQ around the corner for a little girl talk. I chose the 2 piece whiting lunch special with mac and cheese and lemonade. I knew it was going to be a man down/code 10 situation when at the table I started slurring my words and my eyesight became blurry. Thank God my moms was driving, cause I was legally impaired. The lemonade wasn't that Country Time substitute, but that home made ghetto lemonade that is so sweet it leaves a lump in your throat.. where you should probably ask for a side glass of water, but you can't peel yourself away from the enticing taste of pure raw sugar. With the takeout box in hand, we made our journey home. After getting home, letting the dog out, and going upstairs to just rest my eyes.. I woke up 3 solid hours later from a coma like sleep not knowing my name or my surrounding initially. My head was cloudy, and throat dry, but my stomach was full. I'm going back tomorrow!

BEAUTIFUL NIGHTMARE

RZA - Grits

Somebody left the camcorder running and got all caught up in your cousins enjoying another blissful day at the corner of Broke & Triflin'. Nobody knows how they got Uncle Nook Nook to lip sync, shave his beard, while displaying that raw emotion right into the camera all at the same damn time. Can we call a prayer circle and ask the Lawd Gawd to guide Nook Nook's hand while shaving against the grain with that Lady Bic? .. and that's only in the first 40 seconds. I thought it was another episode of "That's My Broke Ass Mama". Y'all tell me how it ends.. I can't!


Kinishiwa Bitches!!

C.R.E.A.M.

For those of you who say money can't buy happiness.. Pardon me while I take you out back and beat you down with a sock full of nickels. J & B (that is my nickname for them cause I got them on speed dial) tops Forbes power list of Hollywood Couples. Is that the sound of Dame Dash asking for his life back?.. and he chose to roll with "Pop Champagne" Jim Jones.. classy! $162 MILLION was the combined total for last year. Somebody needs to nominate them for a cabinet position, but Jigga may run into some issues with that vetting situation. I'm just sayin..
I won't feel bad getting that double disc on bootleg.. they don't need my pennies.

So much for money, Your HEALTH Is the most important!

Okay Peeps,
After a weekend of what I thought was a NDE (Near Death Experience) I am back and LIVELY as ever!!! I feel renewed!!! THANK YOU GOD!!! On Saturday at around 3AM, I woke up in a state of panic!!!! My head was pounding on one side and I thought I was well on may way to join Elizabeth (Sanford & Son) I decided to wait and see how it played out over the weekend and Sunday I was FINE! However, on Sunday evening after having a martini with a few of my girls (one celebrating a divorce-HALLELUJAH!!!) came home, forgot, and took a Rx allergy medication! I woke up and really thought Jesus was calling me home! Nonetheless, I have severe sinus infection, that can be treated with antibiotics and no partying with my girls....FOR NOW! I am here to tell you, after sitting in the ER today, praying to God to just let me please have my health and let me see my daughter grow up, I don't care how much money you might have, you may be able to buy better health care but never your health!!! Take care of yourselves people! WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE!!! Live it to its fullest!

BLOGGING WHILE DRUNK..

Ah, fully loaded, ah yes! Well not fully loaded, but maybe a little tipsy off of a bootleg martini mix and lemonade. I'm definitely not drunk, since I haven't started drunk dialing yet, maybe a little drunk texting, but that's harmless.. right? It was just one of those days where I need to sit in a dark corner and have a little talk with myself with a drink in my hand. It's all about a little self reflection. Not that I regularly deal with my problems with liquor, but I had a pretty uneventful day and a refrigerator full of leftover libation from an all girls weekend a few months back. I can totally understand without a good conscious and some supervision, it is easy to slip into "Hi, My name is.. ,and I'm an alcoholic". My source of discomfort is feeling that I have no help. I have to make decisions (solo) on everything. No one to divert to. No one to swoop in and save the day. Whether it's the light bill, renewing my car tags, buying a spare tire, paying a handyman to fix a toilet that has been running (unbeknown to me) for about a month. What tipped me off is my high ass water bill I got last week. Don't you sometimes wish you could go back to.. when you hit 18 and you had no REAL problems. My biggest problem at 18 was trying to schedule my college courses around the Young & the Restless. Sometimes you just want to be able to lay your head on somebody's shoulder and for them to pat you on the back and say "it's okay". I have great friends, and wonderful family, but sometimes you want/need more. As I'm coming down off my buzz, I have decided not to make this a regular occurrence, but it felt good while it lasted. Maybe I'll take the dog outside and walk it off.

I SEE BROKE PEOPLE..

The Rent Party - Good Times

It's getting that serious. Coming from a 100% commission based income in real estate, I don't need to tell you times are hard. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't want random stalkers showing up at my door, I would post a copy of my resume in the hopes one of our faithful readers could assist a sista in her career change. I've had to get real creative on figuring out how to bring extra change up in here ( won't take it to the poll), but the well is running dry. It is not beneath me to throw a rent/mortgage party, but I'm pretty sure almost everyone I would invite is in the same boat. The main two things I avoid these days are the mailbox and my online bank balance. It's time to put my hustle drive in 5th gear.

Thanks.. but no thanks!

Sex and The City - Berger breaks up with Carrie by post it note.

Can a post it or a text message be considered an acceptable mode of communication when kicking somebody to the curb? Anyone?? (looking for raised hands)

So what should the correct reaction be when you try to extend yourself to a person, who you've gotten to know over the months pretty well, developed a friendship (and a little more), you see them down and out and want to help, but you need them too (cause you got your own problems), and ignoring every impulse to run for the hills you stick your neck out, and you get served with a nice hot cup of rejection. I admit, timing is everything, and it is a proper way to do things, but sending the "I'm pumping the breaks speech" over text after they made you feel there was potential is not one of them. Let's just say, the car is now in park.

All I need is a muzzle....

He could get it.. If I had a muzzle! It must be "HUMP" day. Cause I'm getting that feeling. It must be bad too, cause I was watching Terrell Owens on David Letterman last night and let's just say the television was on mute. Mr. Owens is not my ideal of sexy, especially since 99% of the time he sticks his foot in his mouth... but seeing those defined muscles through that v neck... that visual is on point! I'm licking my screen.

Reality Show Recap

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Did I get my holiday wish early? It is the gift that keeps on giving. The catfight has escalated to a whole new level between the Housewives, and I love it! Between Dwight proclaiming he has sex 3 times a day (perish the thought), to Kim still being upset that NeNe told her the truth about her raspy, chain smokin', nails on the chalk board singing voice. Big Poppa must have some deep pockets to get Dallas Austin to entertain the bullsh*t for a half an hour. Of course, I screamed with astonishment when the paternity results came in to NeNe. This can't be real life. On the other hand, what is real.... Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is Season 3 premiere. Frankie (man down, holla) and Dwight need to get together and have an illegitimate child, name it Sassafras Jenkins (pronounced Jayn-kins) and raise it in the newly decorated doggie room... and some people wish for world peace! Seriously, Frankie is on that pipe.. watch.. it's going to come out in episode 3. Up with HOPE.. down with DOPE (compliments of the Juice!),

Get your urban news at DimeWars.Com

The house that slaves built

President Bush welcomes The Obamas to the White House.

Personally, I don't remember this story in history class. Thank God in 2008 we are able to rewrite history. The Final Call.. (I know) had an old article about how the White House was built. Interesting read. FYI.. the most over used phrases of the week.. "President-Elect" and "Transition to Power". January 20th.. hurry up already.

FEAR OF FLYING..

No, not a fear of flying in an airplane. A fear of flying, soaring, reaching your fullest potential. To overcome the fear of flying, you have to not be afraid of failure. The failure part is the thing that gives you that big knot in your stomach when you are about to make a risky decision. In some aspects of life, it is easier to make the decision to risk it all. Myself and countless others have made risky business or career decisions. Some panned out.. some didn't. Even when I fail, I always know it is another opportunity around the corner. I find I'm so open to searching for new ways to challenge myself professionally. Allowing the unknown to be explored, even when the obstacles are mounting. I always think.. what do I have to lose? Of course those decisions are easier when you are a single woman and your only obligation is to an adorable 5 lb dog that likes to lick your feet. Taking a risk is a mind exercise. The further you push yourself into unchartered waters, the easier it is to do it the next time. Life is too short, and I know for a fact I've let opportunities pass me by due to the fear of flying. Oprah says it all the time.. Live your best life. So am I doing that being riddled with doubt? As I'm typing, I am clearly dancing around the main purpose for this post. I took my heart off my sleeve years ago. Vowed it wouldn't reappear until I met someone that went through hell and back to prove they were worth it. In my quest to protect myselft, I've gotten used to the fear and the doubt. In a way, I am cheating. I have this blog to vent all of this anonymously. MAKE IT PLAIN!! I want to reach the point where I am not afraid of the consequences of bearing my soul. In the last day, I heard a story of delayed destiny. Because of miscommunication and hurt feelings, these two people almost missed the opportunity of a lifetime by finding their soul mates. In my own way, I have to find a way to leave no stone unturned to make sure this guy knows how I feel. I'm taking my big girl pill. Here we go!
UPDATE: Only bear your soul to someone that deserves it. If he shows you that he is not worth it.. KICK ROCKS!

HOW TO EMBARRASS YOURSELF..

Good Afternoon Children. It is time for another installment of HOW TO EMBARRASS YOURSELF.. AT THE CLUB. I'm working on my theme music for this post.

Let's go back September '07. In DC at one of my favorite night spots. One of my Brown Chicks is with me, and I'm siced (DC shoutout) to see Jay-Z live. So you know the spot was packed like rush hour on Friday. Our plan was to get there at a decent time and get as close to the stage without getting crushed. We find our spot, dance to the music, get shoved by security, and make some new friends while we are at it. The whole time in the back of my mind, I'm thinking.... I'm too old for this sh*t.. BUT.. I soldier on .. in 3 inch heels. After almost two hours.. me and my fellow "chick" are starting to lose hope, but then HOVA takes the stage. The stampede towards the stage commenses and I shoot a look to my friend as if to say "I came, I saw, I conquered". We made our way to the back were there was plenty oxygen available. We still actually had a good view of the stage from our safe zone in the back, and I'm thinking... I can chill right here.. until I feel someone's hind parts rubbing against my back. I'm thinking, all this extra room, why in the hell is this drunk broad trying to push up on me? Keep in mind.. I don't have a visual cause she doing the drop it like it's hot directly behind me. My rule is 3 strikes and you're out! So I give her 3 times to bump into me until I give her the hard elbow in the back. That got her attention. I'm feeling like Wonder Woman right about now. Who does she think she is? Well.. who she is .. is a 5'9" 300 lb drunk black chick with a Moet bottle in her hand and nothing to lose. (YIKES!!!) She steps in front of me (I'm 5' 125 and don't like to fight), waving the bottle in my face and says those undeniable fighting words.. "Is there a problem?". Ooooh sh*t! I shoot my "chick" the look of .. my emergency numbers are in my cell phone in case this broad knocks me unconscious and I wake up at Howard University Hospital not knowing my name. I got the reassuring look back from my side kick.. saying "I won't leave you .. if you get knocked the f*ck out". See, when you are with your tight girl.. no need for words, we intercept messages with just a facial expression. At this point, I have two choices. I can run for the door or stand my ground. I chose to stand my ground,very diplomatically (Team Tiny stand up!). I went all Barack Obama on her.. got real cool, like I was explaining the North America Free Trade Agreement to Sarah Palin. I knew one blow from this chick and it was over.. I'm no fool. After a few verbal exchanges, her friends coaxed her to walk away. I thank God everyday for those friends, cause I may have been still walking with a limp. So the lesson I learned from this incident.. I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS SH*T!

I HATE HIM..

Heartless - Kanye

No.. I don't hate Kanye. Not today anyway. Maybe I'm showing my age, but I love hip hop I can relate to. Some songs just speak to me. We've all been there. You've been in that relationship that was a complete waste of time, and it has reached a ridiculously stupid retarded level. All your common sense tells you to cut and run, but for some moronic reason you are still re hashing the dysfunction with the same person. I know some people say they can be friends with their exes. I can't.. (with most of them anyway). Maybe that is my flaw. Yes, there are 2 or 3 that don't make me cringe when I see them in public, and mostly all of them I can remain cordial.. BUT.. reverting back to "buddies".. hell to the nawh! After some time and distance, you do gain some perspective and those hurtful feelings do diminish, but you never forget the circumstances on why it ended. I feel like it wasn't just a relationship.. we were friends.. and if the other person did something so foul to break the relationship/friendship.. I have no words. That is why I like Kanye.. he wears his heart on his sleeve.. you see the good, bad, and the ugly.

Funny Movie Clips

Starting my weekend off right.. a few funny movie clips that made me chuckle. Honorable mentions go to Richard Pryor's "Which Way Is UP", "Cooley High", and "Friday". Enjoy!


Sexual Chocolate - Coming to America


You Asked For It, You Got It - Forget Paris


Baby Jesus - Talladega Nights


The Shootout - Harlem Nights (Hilarity ensues around 4:00)

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN..

Barack Obama's Speech at 2004 Democratic National Convention

WE NEED THIS..

So many times I rage and rant about the negative images that filter to our young black men. I'm a huge fan of music, even a bigger fan of hip hop and in the last few years I've seen it reduced from an art form to the cliche.. I got money, I got bitches, I'm the king. You know what I'm talking about. I can't tell you how many times I've been approached by the "wrong one" who thinks they just left the video shoot and can pull me with a bullsh*t line or put in no effort at all(you can read the extended text from my new book "Why I'm Single: Tales from the Dark Side"). Now, I will be the first to admit when I'm at a party I don't organize a boycott when I hear Little Wayne's "Mrs. Officer"... but I'm a grown a*s woman.. and I pay taxes.. so to that.. everything needs a balance. So now that we are on the day that history is being made with the general election, can Barack Obama taking the White House be that balance? So just imagine what can happen when President Obama's influence can trickle down to that young black male who now thinks its cool to have the dream of running for political office. Its bigger than the title, its the sense of empowerment. Some people want to minimize that aspect, but this is HUGE! So in a few years, when it is normal to see minorities (race and gender) in power, couldn't it be an easier sell to a young black teenager who thought about selling drugs to change direction and say "I want to be President"?

WHY THE HELL IS SHE SO HAPPY?

Will somebody walk right up to this chick and wipe that goofy smirk off her face? She is in La La land. That smile is a front. Lets go inside her head.. shall we? She's thinking.. yeah.. I work at the car wash part time so I help my moms out and collect some loose change at the same time. But for real, that loose change be paying the cable, light, and cell phone bill. What she really wants is to win that $150 million dollar POWERBALL (eventhough she never plays the lottery), chuck the deuce to the car wash, move out of state (preferably DC), buy at PHAT rowhouse in Northwest, pay off all her debt (while cutting a check to some family members and a few key friends), donate to the needy, start college funds for her niece and nephew, have a girls weekend on some tropical island (being served Hottie Totties by barely clothed pool boys), do some more traveling, find her dream job (cause she won't care about the $$$), find her husband, pop out (or adopt) 2 or 3 kids, and skip off into the sunset. Piece of cake! FYI.. those hanging janitor keys are a mark of a LOSER, but that fitted khaki is to die for!

Somebody just roll right up on her and yell "WAAAAAAKE UUUUUUUUP!".

How to be the wife AND the "GIRLFRIEND"

Okay Ladies and Gentlemen,
This is a post for those of us that like to KEEP IT REAL! Although, Dr. Laura gets on my last nerve most of the time because I do not think she is totally realistic(to see her aspect on what love and marriage is all about go to www.drlaura.com). She has a point in one area, you need to "date" your husband. I believe this is true. All of the effort you put into getting him, you need to think about what you need to do to KEEP him!! An 87 year old woman once told me, there are many women that, honestly, if you don't do it, ANOTHER WOMAN WILL..... Here is an idea that may keep him at home instead of going to "his boys house." My fellow "chicks" agree :)

HONESTY & SHORTCOMINGS..

Thanks to my new blog roll member Yeah, I said it, and what?.
There is more truth in here than comedy.. seriously. We should make a female version called "GET OFF ME" or "YOU COULD'VE KEPT THAT TO YOURSELF". It should be a big hit. Just imagine how smoothly that first date would go if they would say this upfront. Low expectations .. I say! Then if it is good, it's a complete surprise.
Favorite line... "chafing"! CLASSIC!