The relationship between fathers and daughters is so instrumental. After some surprising personal events over the last few days, it has caused me to self analyze why I am they way I am. Growing up the youngest daughter of two girls, I always felt that adoration from my father as a little girl. He was always very protective and doting. I think he looked at his family as a badge of honor, an accomplishment of progression on how he grew up. Not to delve too deeply into his past, but out of 14 brothers and sisters, he was crowned the "successful one" of the family. The one who against most odds left a very segregated and racist upbringing in West Virginia, to become one of the top 20 minority automobile dealers in the nation. Growing up, that is what I witnessed. The expectation that you could be a risk taker and be successful (which explains some of my recent career moves.. still working on the successful part).
I had the father that worked hard, but always came home, took his family on vacations, paid for private schools and college, the list goes on. Fast forward 20 years, that perfect family is now broken by divorce and that special relationship between father and daughter is all but non existent. Not a day goes by where I don't ask.. how did we get here? The infrastructure that was laid in my early years would've not predicted this outcome. The reach of this hidden dysfunction was more wide spread that I could've have ever imagined. As you hit your mid (early) thirties, you do alot of soul searching. Trying to figure out the meaning of things and why you go through certain experiences.
Let's do a little back tracking. While my father was a great provider and was present in the home, he was not that emotional father. Not a person you could go to if you had a problem about a neighborhood bully or a school boy crush. Maybe because he was very conservative and traditional in his beliefs, that responsiblity was solely given to my mother (The Nurturer). It was understood, that after a certain age, it was not cool to cry in front of my father. If caught doing so, you were ridiculed to no end. Maybe that was his way of toughening me up for the real world. Instead, it left a hole.
My father is the KING OF WITHDRAWAL. If you wanted to discuss a topic deemed too emotional, you were met with rejection (that fear of rejection is a beast). I've always wanted that father who would give you a hug, remember your birthday, just call you up to tell you that he loves you. For so long, I pretended that I didn't need that. I would mask my pain with indifference or in return distance myself emotionally from him. So how does that translate into current times? Everything is connected. I think when I begin the process of getting involved in a relationship with the opposite sex (dating), my selection process is quite detailed. If I get the sense that you can be respectful, have a sense of humor, allow me to be as silly and uninhibited as I can be... that is a start. Of course, that spark is very important. Sometimes it can take weeks, months.. dare I say YEARS for me to reach the point of REALLY LIKE.. I don't take it lightly. After all of this pre screening, I hope it would safe guard me from any pitfalls.
Now realistically speaking, I know there are always risks, and you can't control the other persons behavior.. BUT you usually can see some signs on how to proceed. So when I get to that crucial point and I let my guard down.. which is hard to do.. and that person withdrawals.. it is a flashback to the insecurity of my father. It's a defense mechanism.. we all have them. So my reaction is to do the same. I think I search for that closeness with the men that I'm romantically linked with, but end up sometimes choosing the guy that mimics my father (twisted.. I know). When I sense that rejection, I turn cold as ICE.
In everyday life, I'm a happy, funny (I think so), giving, loyal person who looks for the best in life. Just this one aspect I can't get a grasp on. Maybe the answer is in some way to try and resolve those issues of the past instead of letting them fester and die. I may have to "man up" and have the awkward conversation with my father. To ask why! Maybe it will clear up alot of unanswered questions and help me make better decisions in the future.
1 comment:
Very insightful post. It takes a great deal of honesty to look at one's self and acknowledge our true feelings. Many young women grow up never knowing the love of a father and susequently have even more trouble relating to men. I hope you allow yourself to create the relationship you want to remember when your father is no longer here. We can never change the past and the future is unknown so today is all we have. Make today count with your family!!!
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