WITH GASOLINE DRAWERS..

Only in B'more. Talk about taking the Lord's name in vain, I don't think King Jesus would approve. I had to hurry up and release this foolishness from my conscious with only a few hours to spare from the Sabbath. I figure by tomorrow I could've constructed an appropriate prayer for the two souls talked into showing their faces in the above commercial. With my hands outstretched, I yelp "BAIL OUT, BAIL OUT, BAIL OUT!!"

WHEN "I LOVE YOU" IS NOT ENOUGH...

Knowing this picture was photo shopped, it's the thought that counts.. right? With all the ups and downs Shaunie & Shaq have had over the past few years, it's nice to see them in a better place. Speaking of.. I wonder how they got here? Just a few years back, allegations were flying back and forth, infidelity claims, hiding money.. what brought the love back? Is that the same love that will bring Nas and Kelis back together, or my mom and pops after 34 years of marriage (not holding my breath for that one). I need details. That picture also made me think about people, and my relationships, how things end up from point A to B (did I lose you yet?). I think about the complexities of relationships and how fragile things really can get. (I hope to pull my thoughts together any minute now). I guess I'm having a day of reflection. Over the past few weeks, I've had two exes in particular, share with me that I may have been the one that got away. Translation.. I've dated a bunch of losers since we parted ways, and now I realize I should've stuck it out with you. While I do get momentary satisfaction, my question is "What's the point?". One was the high school sweetheart. You know that VERY first boyfriend that you just knew you were going to marry and have kids with at the wise age of 18, and the one that completely shocked you when he broke your heart for the first time. The other, the most recent significant other. The one that seemed long term and had potential until one day it just magically fell apart right in front of your very eyes. Ya know, you invest almost 2 years in, family meet and greet, semi co habitation, Sunday morning church services together and then one day.. you think to yourself.. "Nope, not it". So, you rehash who did what, apologies follow and all is supposed to be right with the world? Not quite. This seems to be a repeating theme over the last few relationships, and the common denominator is ME. Is it clarity or is it just adding to my confusion? Moving on..

I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING..

Inspiration hit me right up side the head like that time when I was 12 and told my pops to "kiss my ass" under my breath (or so I thought) and woke up an hour later in the ER.. (I kid.. I kid). I'm so about to chop off all my hair for the summer, but I know I'll be craving that shoulder length when the hawk hits in the fall and I'm not a big fan of the weave. Short hair is HAWT for the summer. Ya know what else is hawt?.. tonguing down random fine ass dudes (i.e. Jaime Foxx) for no particular reason at all. Now I understand how Halle won that Oscar. All that raw emotion got me sweating near my girly parts. (blushing) Question: How she supposed to go back to her blonde haired, blue eyed baby daddy after all that friction? Anybody???

CHRIS BROWN CALLED, HE WANTS HIS PR TEAM BACK

I know I'm a few days late with my Chris Brown commentary on his latest blog rant, but when the weather warms up, I come out of my cocoon like a social butterfly.. i.e. "I got other things better to do with my time than blog every day". (I'm working on it though). First, if you're trying to up your profile by video blogging, do not.. I repeat.. DO NOT have Lil Bow Wow cosigning in the background. That's like having Monique vouch for you at a Weight Watchers meeting. STOP IT!! I know everybody's innocent until proven guilty, but where's his PR team? Mama? Somebody??? Is Princess Ri-Ri making side comments or posting her opinion on youtube for the tween scene to comment? Nope! Example.. when my dog takes an unsolicited sh*t in the house, does he go straight to youtube to deny? No.. he runs to his bed wide eyed and scared praying I don't find the poop.. he keeps his silence. Now if my dog got the memo, can Breezy get on the bandwagon?

ROOTS..

I've been surrounded by alot of family lately, which is somewhat new for me. I grew up with just immediate family since my pops made us modern day nomads since the young age of 3 (Anybody seen my camel?). I never regretted not staying in a town longer than 5 years, cause I was exposed to so many different environments. I also understood that my parents were trying to give my sister and I a better life than they experienced. I wonder what kind of girl would I have turned out to be if we settled down in Shaker Heights, Ohio (somewhat limiting I think). Oh, but the flip side slapped me right upside the head yesterday. Right across town in Northwest DC, nestled on a quiet city block lined with trees and rowhouses, I met more 1st, 2nd, 3rd cousins (from my pops side). You don't realize how much you miss the smell of home cooking until you walk into a kitchen filled with fried chicken, sweet potatoes, cabbage, rice, green beans, corn bread, and "the icing on top".. pink coolaid (yummy). Remember in the Derek Fisher movie, at the end when Derek just got back from seeing the crackhead mama that abandoned him as a baby and he walks back into the house to be greeted by aunties, uncles, and the Queen Mother that looked like she was hanging on by a string? That's how I felt (maybe not that dramatic). Reminds me of Sunday dinners at my house during my childhood. Some cousins sitting at the table recounting old stories of the old days in Fairmont, WV, to the younger cousins sitting in that small room right off the kitchen watching the playoffs, while the elders were on the back porch talking shop. A house full of laughter. I thought to myself. That's how I want my kids to grow up, surrounded by family. Just thinking out loud...

MOMMY!!

That's my mom in the middle.. please don't tell her she's made it to the blog!!!

I'm very blessed. I guess that is the best way to some up God's gift to me in the form of my mother. I may be a little biased, but you know how when you first meet someone and their warmth and inner light is so obvious. When (new) people meet my mother, that is the first thing they say, without even really knowing her. It's more than that sweet Southern Belle hospitality that radiates. The Great Nurturer is what I call her. I still struggle to grasp the full understanding of that quality. Simply, her greatest role in life is being a mother. The things that make me smile about her.. when I go home, I still can't leave a dish or glass on the kitchen counter for more than 5 minutes unattended or it mysteriously disappears to the dishwaher, how she refuses to go to bed before 11 pm each night eventhough she is in a deep nod on the couch by 9:30p, when she leaves me a voicemail that starts with "Hello, this is mother" (like I don't recognize her voice), when I used to sneak into church (late) I could always find her on the same pew/same spot... and last but not least.. she has become an adoptive parent to my beloved Yorkie as if he were her own. Things that I used to consider as nagging are now quite endearing, just part of her charm. All the sacrifices, all the times she was there when I didn't even know it. I look forward to the day when I can be that kind of mother. Everything that she is will shape me in the mother I hope to become. I love you Mommy! (sniff sniff)

4 INCHES..

Those Charles David, patent leather, 4 inch, gold buckled sandals are the DEVIL!!

I remember the good ole days. Back in college, when I could roll out to an Alpha, Kappa, random house party in my cut offs, tank top, and flip flops and that was considered appropriate attire. Yeah, that was circa '91, and the french roll was in, but everybody was on the same page. I don't know if I can compete. Out with my girls last night, and while I had a great time doing my best version of the "stanky leg", I almost lost a toe. See, when you cut off blood supply to an extremity there's alot of pain involved. It's sad I have to plan my walking distance to the spot, and once I get inside I'm looking for the first chair.... and that practice walk we do in Nordstrom, when we're trying on the shoes don't count. That is false advertising! They need to give you a make shift runway and let you walk non stop for 10 minutes and then you get to figure out if you'll need foot surgery or not. I say we go back to the flip flops.. let's all band together.. they got'em at Old Navy for $3 a piece.. we'll be comfortable and save money. Then I won't have to go back to my car doing the "I'm trying to hold good posture and be sexy, but I'm in agonizing pain" walk. Won't you join me?

It's hard out here..

It's like looking in a mirror, well.. not exactly. It looks like her and Gayle made a late night run to Menopause R Us. Yet, my soul still jumped with glee. Remember at the end of the movie Malcolm X when the little kids stood up and repeated "I am Malcolm X", and then another kid stood up and yelled "No, I am Malcolm X" and the one kid jumped up and punched the other one in the eye, and fight ensued? Okay, just kidding, but gazing at Oprah's unprocessed hair sent a chill down my spine. Any connection I can have with that woman made me jump up and say "I am Oprah Winfrey". To all the naturals of the world.. STAND UP!! I may have to run from humidity like a bat running from daylight, but me and Oprah are one and the same.. no weave.. no lye!

I'M SORRY..

I'm pulling my size 5 out of my mouth as I type. Why did I hate on "Obsessed" so much? Check my post "GOOD LUCK WITH THAT". Lets look at the bigger picture. While I already have my preconceived notions about the movie, it reached number 1 at the box office with two leading African American actors, and last but not least... it was directed/produced by Rainforest productions.. FAMU GROWN!!! Is there an Oscar nod for Mrs. Carter right around the corner?.. umm nope, but I can put my HATERADE down and put up $8 for the cause.

Things that make you say..

Since the weather is starting to finally break, my air conditioning in my car started to do the same. So, I made my scheduled appointment at my dealer for the repair. The first quote for the service was $200. Okay, it's still highway robbery, but fools can't drive around with sweat puddles under their arms all summer. Then I get another call from my service writer 2 hours later, and they have magically found another problem.. now its my auxillary fan that needs to be replaced which has bumped the price to $900. Which was met with a deep long winded "SHEEEEEEE-IT!" (in my best Senator Clay Davis voice). I felt like calling my service writer a fish eyed fool. So, I'll locate my local car repair guy to fix the same sh*t for half the price (I ain't no dummy). So until then it'll windows down.. sunroof open.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT..

It truly saddens me to utter these words out loud, and I pray the House of Dereon will not hold it against me.. but.. erruuuhh.. B's suspect acting skills will have me hold off from paying my hard earned money at the theater. Is it me or does she have the same accent in every movie.. you know the Foxy Cleopatra with just a hint of Houston, Texas. I call it the Terrence Howard syndrome. Will I be front row at her DC stop for the I Am.. Sasha Fierce tour..? Absolutely (with a hookup), but I'll hit TV Shack for the bootleg version of "Obsessed". I remember when it was done the first time and they called it "Fatal Attraction".

Jesus Lawwwwwd (as my coworker would yelp), did I have the audacity to not mention my baby daddy Idris Elba? Lawwwwd, I drop to my knees and repent for the oversight. Okay, thats two Hell Marys and a promise to fry chicken on Sunday. Jesus Wept! Amen.

HOME GROWN..

Did I miss the memo where it became a travesty to adopt/sale kids right here in the United States? While I do completely empathize with the mother of Rubina Ali for laying the smack down on her greedy stepmother for trying to sell her daughter into some type of child slavery, do you know how many neglected kids stuck in this country's child welfare system that need good homes? While I do find it sort of commendable that Madonna is trying to counteract all that sinning she did in her early twenties by now trying to adopt half of Malawi, isn't she from Detroit? Can't she just roll right up to a group home and pick out one or ten? On a serious note, my sister and her husband had the pleasure of adopting both their kids and giving them the opportunity for a better life, and they didn't have to cross the pond to do it. Just a thought..

To Quit or Not to Quit?

A few weeks ago, I posted my PRELIMINARY rules for Face Book, however, it seems as though many of us feel the same way. Please read the attached. These are my rules + 1.  I agree 110% !! Should we break free?  

http://www.switched.com/2009/04/16/15-reasons-to-quit-facebook/

YOUR SWAG HAS LEFT THE BUILDING..

If the above pic caused you the throw up (just a little) in your own mouth, you can take one spoonful of Pepto and advance to level 2. If you find the above pic enticing, you forgot to take your tang vitamin today.
Now I just got off the plane from a magical weekend in the Windy City to commemorate Jesus' resurrection and I come back to this . There is so much wrong in this picture, I dare you to keep it under 4. I know SB puts his panties on one leg at a time just like the rest of us, but when does it stop. This took me back to when I was a shorty and my teeny bop crushes used to melt my heart with the dreams that one day we would be united in holy matrimony. Yes, Ralph "crooked teeth" Tresvant was at the top of my list. I miss the 80's. Now I can't get that damn song out of my head.. "Hopped up out the beeeeed..."

Is the circus in town?

The above pic now constitutes as a luxury loaner these days.

These auto bailouts got these auto makers shaking in their boots. I don't want to keep perpetuation the term "recession", cause like most of you.. I need to be optimistic about my financial situation.. BUT, I dropped off my luxury SUV for service this morning. Now I'm used to getting a loaner comparable to what I drive on a regular basis. That's part of the perk of owning one of the luxury brands.. it gives them an excuse to let you test drive the newer model in the hopes you come back ready for a trade in (trade up). They set all kind of traps, like eliminating the separate waiting room and making you sit on the showroom floor with the newest, phattest, fully loaded model of the current car you are getting serviced. We've all done it.. you go sit inside that brand new 760i with the heated steering wheel trying to figure out how you can make those payments. Cut out eating for a year, or sell a kidney? Umm no. So as I'm daydreaming.. sitting in that 2009 4.8 X5, intoxicated by the smell of new leather, my service writer pulls up in what looks like a cross between a clown car and a luxury go cart. Do I have my bourgeoisie hat on today? So not trying to be a car snob, but can I get the keys to that suped up 645 convertible parked in the back? He politely smiled and said "This is all we got". As much money I'm about to drop to repair my cv boot (not sure what that is exactly), can you appease me just a little? I know a car is too small when a 5 footer (such as myself) started to feel claustrophobic. My car will be ready by 4.

Peace in the Middle East

And the lovefest continues...

How can one man bring so much hope and prosperity and was a mere unknown just over 3 years ago? I am still amazed at the love affair the whole world is having with our President Obama. It got me thinking, I'm going to take of page from his play book. I'm starting my own personal lovefest today... to everybody! That's right blog readers.. I LOVE YOU! When I see you on the street, I'm going to open my arms to embrace you. If I walk past you in the hallway and say "Hello", and you don't respond.. I won't suck my teeth and roll my eyes or kick my leg out and try to trip you (except for one particular security guard in my building that totally hates his job), instead I'll sing a phrase from Patti Labelle's "Somebody loves you ba-bay.. woah, woah, wooooooah!". I'm going to take my ego out of all situations and act out of LOVE! When you cut me off in traffic, I'm not going to throw up the middle finger salute.. no way.. I'm going to blow you a kiss and say a prayer. Do you feel the love?.. cause I do!

REAL MEN CRY..

While I do think sometimes it is very sexy to see a man uncover his emotions, the sob fest I witnessed last night had me checking for my own sack (ewww!). Everybody is trying to figure out what's wrong with Q. I know what his problem is.. he's GAY!! He is coming to terms with his alternative lifestyle. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, just come out of the closet already. If you ask me, Dawn has more testosterone than her man (gay husband). The truth will set you free..

Funniest moment.. during the fight sequence, Q is being lazily held back my Big Mike, while it took Willie, Robert, the producer, and a few cleaning ladies to hold Brian's 5'2" frame back. Will the fighting ever stop?

THE LONG GOODBYE..

Life is full of cycles. From birth to death, everything reverts back to the beginning. Over the past few years, my mother has been caring for my elderly grandfather in her home. After much soul searching, she had to make the agonizing decision to put him in a nursing home. My dearly departed grandmother met the same fate a few years back due to Alzheimers before her passing in 2005. So I know my mother's anguish. My grandfather's mind is still pretty sharp, but his body can't keep the pace any longer. It is like becoming a child again. While home over the weekend, it hit me that the end may be near. Not to sound morbid, but something in his eyes seemed different.. like the will to live was slowly leaving him. He's told me on many occasions that he's ready to leave God's Green Earth in the hopes of reuniting with my grandmother (Sooter) again. I know this cause every nurse that comes in the room he calls them Ezell (Sooter's government name). That theme became more prominent after being widowed. He knows there is nothing left for him to do here. Still in awe of his clarity at the wise age of 93. Watching my mother feverishly care for him has allowed me to have this same conversation with her. "You know you'll have to move in with one of us (my sister is in Chicago) when the time comes." I said. Remarkably, I could see a tinge of rebellion as she rolled her eyes to say "If you have to put me in a home, I'll be alright." :o( I know that reality is atleast 20 years away.. God willing.. but the conversation has to happen now. Now, I just have to figure out how to have the same conversation with my pops.

My Dream Date...

I started watching Dancing with the Stars to see if Lil Kim had any other skills outside the ones she obviously learned on the pole (not judging), but last night Gilles & Cheryl killed it. Y'all remember Gilles in that infamous "Sex and the City" movie scene where he introduced Mr. Happy to female(and some male "how you doin'?")movie goers across the nation. Anywhooo.. after you fast forward past all the idle chatter about bundled nerves, double eliminations, and starving children (sorry.. wrong show), you could catch a glimpse of what my dream date would be.. for now anyway. I admit, it would be damn near impossible to get the average 30-40 year old single black male to agree to this.. sober, unless the promise of hot, sweaty sex was the final result! I like a man who can lead!! The magic starts around 1:30.



Update:

Can't short change my girl Lil Kim. If you saw "Notorious", she should write an instructional manual on mastering the come up.. minus the nip and tucks. Click here if you feel like day dreaming.

We need to have rules for Facebook……

Alright people, Yes, the "chicks" have converted. Now that I am a part of the true "cyber universe" and have joined FB, I think there needs to boundaries and limitations. While I am enjoying my ability to reconnect and tell people what I am doing every minute of the freakin' day, I feel that on a few occasions, people have stepped too far outside of their box. I have had this discussion with my "chicas" on many occasions and I think we agree, there needs to be very explicit rules. No shades of gray. If you don’t, it may cause major confusion in the long run so lets save ourselves some heartache!


Here are a few of my rules: feel free to comment, add, or adapt your own! My expectations may not be your expectations…...

1. If you are married or have a VSB "Very Serious Boo" -if an EX or anyone you EVER slept with tries to "friend" you - JUST SAY IGNORE!! It will feel like you are being tortured to death by paper cuts if your mate ever finds out. Trust me on this one….

2. Settings- make sure that you create your settings to only allow you or your friends to see your page. Once again, the crazies are out there but more importantly many employers are searching potential candidates pages for any shenanigans. If you have been "tagged" in a photo where you are drunk at the club sprawled out on the dance floor a future employer may use that against you!

3. Unless your FB page states you are interested in a relationship, don’t add people you don’t know! Many do it just to escalate their "friend" number. Too many crazies people, too many crazies!! And the number of friends you have really doesn’t matter now does it? If your true friends and or family are on your page, that is who you really care about RIGHT?!?!

4. Coworkers- to add or not to add? The problem with large numbers is that you forget who you have enlisted as your " friends" and when you write that you have been sitting on the toilet, out binge drinking or hooked up with a one night stand does that really need to be the topic of convo around the water cooler? Don’t think so!

5. It is OKAY to DELETE!!! I delete miscellaneous people I made my friends because I thought I knew them or we had ONE friend in common. I delete those stupid friend things you all want me to do like send a kiss from a monkey to ten people. I delete party promotions for cities I do not live in, I delete dumb ass comments, I delete stuff I just don’t feel like answering. I am SOOOO okay with it!