In the car during rush hour listening to Dr. Laura. Not my first choice, but Hip Hop Nation was in the middle of some Plies mixtape.. I couldn't take it. I usually don't like to listen to her cause she can be pretty rude and obnoxious, never lets the caller tell their full story, and hangs up on them once she dishes out her (mostly sarcastic) response... but today she said something poignant. Here's the story.. typical caller.. says when her and her husband have a disagreement, her husband completely shuts down, refuses to engage in communication atleast for a week. In my mind I'm thinking.. that's most men. Dr. Laura's response was a surprising and simple.. "DON'T ARGUE WITH YOUR HUSBAND". I sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes. There is no husband/wife union that I know of where there are no disagreements. So how in the hell do you go through life without arguing? The caller and I came to the same conclusion.. Dr. Laura is dumb as a box of rocks.... but then the Good Doctor said something that stuck with me. She said, unless it is a life or death situation or something that would put you in emotional or physical danger... let him win (come again?). She told the caller not to focus on always trying to win. If you let him win sometimes, he will start to return the favor. So that leads me to my search for the instruction manual on how to get to the middle of the road. Example of my problem (I'm growing). When I get really angry.. to the point where I want to spit.. I either completely go off (which I try to avoid) or I completely shut down and wallow in silence. I figured the latter was better for everyone so when I get a chance to collect my thoughts it would not come out in a jumble of emotional outbursts and curse words. Not realizing that "the shut down" can be harmful, because it allows you to store up resentful feelings that still come out later in the form of sarcasm. I have to learn how to engage instead of deflect (that is so hard since most of the time I don't know when I'm doing it). I was told I have to not always resort to those two extremes, and learn to pick my battles. Honestly, I'm really bad at that one. What's the point of winning most of the battles if I lose the war. So what would be considered the "middle of the road"? I'm asking..
3 comments:
I have the same problem. I either say what is on my mind, which is not always tasteful. Or, I keep my feelings bottled up, which has the tendency of coming out in sarcastic statements. I don’t know that I will ever rid myself of the sarcastic statements, and my hubby may always hate them. But, I have learned to try to select the battles that I fight carefully. I find that this is working in both my personal and professional life (another area in which I find it difficult to hide my true feelings). It is not always easy, and I find myself slipping here and there, but I try to fight the issues that are truly most important to me, or strategically put them together to get me what I want. It doesn’t work all of the time, but seems to be working better than my previous approach, with less arguments. Actually, I find that the less I disagree, the more he agrees with me, and the less irritated I am...I'm not good at it yet. Still fall backwards quite often, but I'm trying...
Thank you for "getting the point" in spite of all your obviously negative sentiments about me. Much appreciated and your marriage will become more blissful! Warmly, Dr Laura Schlessinger
As much as I have a love/strong dislike relationship with Dr. Laura. I listen to her often. Because I am having some communication issues in my marriage I just bought her book- The proper care and feeding of husbands so that I might learn a little more about men. She may be on to something... I will keep you posted..
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